The Importance of Being Chamo
by OverMaster
Summary: He may be overlooked, abused, mistreated and overall deservedly bashed... but it could be worse! Have a look at the auditions for the role of the mascot character for Mahou Sensei Negima and shudder at the other things that could have been!
1. Chapter 1

_Mahou Sensei Negima_ and all its characters belong to Akamatsu Ken, and the author of this fanfiction hasn't made any profits from it, nor will he ever do.

All other mentioned characters also belong to their respective copyright holders, and don't forget it.

No resemblance between the events, institutions and characters portrayed here and any real life people, situations or institutions, out of the legally allowed parody purposes, is intended.

This fanfic is part of the Negima 101 fanfiction pieces challenge at the TV Tropes Forums. Check it out of you can.

Thanks a lot to Shadow Crystal Mage, Ack Sed, Japanese Teeth and the rest of the gang for their inspiration.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING CHAMO-KUN: PART 1

**Prologue:**

Once upon a time, before a certain perverted Caith Sith magical ermine was hired to play the mascot role in a certain boy mage turned harem owner series, several other unlikely candidates were considered to play that part.

These are their stories.

**Garfield**

"Are you going to take much longer?" Asuna was starting to get really annoyed now.

_Keep on trying me and I won't do it, _the morbidly obese orange furball warned, his right paw STILL lazily pulling the piece of chalk across the ground.

"Hey, that's my line!" the redhead angrily snapped. "I've been standing here like an idiot for hours waiting for you to finish! It's only a circle! You aren't drawing the sketches for Tokyo Tower!"

The cat gave Negi an annoyed look. _I told you we should have gone with the cook. Say, maybe you still can bring her here. And bring me some pork buns while you're at it._

Asuna stomped on the cat's head. "Like Hell! I haven't come this far just for you to toss me aside for someone who can feed you until you explode!"

"Asuna-san, please..." Negi weakly pleaded.

His feline friend tossed the chalk down, frustrated. _Ooohh, I can't take any more of this! I need a nap to clear my troubled mind up. I can't work this way, I just can't_. He turned his back on Asuna, laid down pulling his teddy bear towards himself, and quickly began snoring.

Asuna's face went bright red as smoke began to steadily blow out of her ears. "I should— I should— I should—!"

The cat interrupted his sleeping just long enough to wave a finger around. _Whatever it is, in six hours, please. Be careful the circle's not erased in the meanwhile. I'll finish it later. Yeah._

Then Asuna began to strangle him, and Akamatsu-sensei realized it wouldn't work after all.

**Pen-Pen**

"ERRRNKKK!" the penguin yelled while holding an useless clawed wing up. "ERRRNKKK, ERRNKK, ERNK ERNK! SKWALLLL!"

"... Haruna, can you understand what is he trying to tell us?" Yue hopefully asked.

Her taller friend shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine."

"SKWAKKKKK!" Pen-Pen hopped up and down in place. "SKAWWK, SKAWWK, SKAAAWWK! ERNK, ERNK!"

"I wish Negi-sensei were here, " Yue sighed. "He's the only one who can understand him."

"He looks quite steamed up, " Kazumi pondered rubbing her chin. "Maybe he's trying to warn us about something."

"What is it, Pengy?" Haruna petted him. "Little Timmy fell down a well?"

Annoyed at being mocked, Pen-Pen slapped her hand away with a flipper. "EEEEERNKK! ERNK, ERNK, ERNK!"

It was then that Nodoka walked into the room with a resignated, yet mortified expression.

"Ah, Honya-chan!" Kazumi perked up. "Good thing you're here! Can you use your Artifact and read Penny's mind? We can't make head or tails of what's going on with him."

"Actually, I already did, " the librarian pulled a few cans out of the bag she was holding. She offered one of them at the bird, who quickly snatched it away, popping it open with his sharp beak and rushing to drink its contents down.

Then he belched.

"Out of all the magic-savvy penguins in the world, we had to get the one who's addicted to beer," Yue mused.

Looking back at it, it could have worked, but the sponsors complained it could push younger audiences towards drinking. So they made a middle of the road compromise with the chain smoking ermine. At least they could change the cigarettes to chocolate ones in the animated adaptation.

Hopefully no digitally edited lollipops, though.

**Gorilla Grodd**

The large ape finished drawing the circle, then crushed the chalk between his thick, coarse fingers.

"I still can't believe it. Me, the scourge of Gorilla City, reduced to servitude to a practically newborn human. I swear, when the effects of this damned spell your father casted upon me are over, Boy, I shall—"

"Shut up already!" Asuna was quite fed up by now. "Isn't enough for you to stink all over the apartment, clog the bathroom up with your fur and getting us in problems hitting on Shizuna-sensei? Must you boss us around all the time, too?"

"Yes, I must. It's my duty as a superior creature," the gorilla growled before pointing for them to take their respective places at the circle. "Now be quiet and let us start the ritual. The Mc Dowell woman will find us soon."

"I figure she'll only have to follow your stench," Asuna snarked.

"Confound you, woman!" Grodd grumbled. "You will stop mocking me as of now... one way or another!"

Asuna defiantly stood to him despite Negi's pleas for not antagonizing. "And how will you do it? You know you need me for the Pactio, unless you want to do it yourself! You can't keep on—"

Then she stopped, as her eyes became suddenly vacant.

"You will kiss the boy now," Grodd icily commanded.

"I will kiss the boy now," Asuna mechanically agreed before grabbing Negi's face and forcefully pulling him into a deep tongue kiss.

It was at that point when the producers decided making the series' pet a telepathic gorilla was more Unfortunate Implications than Everythings Better With Monkeys.

**Scrappy Doo**

"Well, look at the bright side," Assistant Amagasaki Chigusa commented. "They have just given us all a lesson on teamwork and the power of forgiveness. They have put their differences apart to fight a common enemy."

Akamatsu Ken ran a hand over his face. "They have just teamed up to stomp a puppy into bloody bits, Amagasaki-san."

"Well, you must admit he was THAT annoying," she commented.

Fate and Negi were shaking hands over the red large splotch while both of their respective harems cheered up.

**Poochie**

After the Mahorafest was over, however, Poochie had a sudden announcement to give everyone.

"I must go now. My home planet needs me."

And he was teleported over.

Negi, Kotaro and Class 3-A stood there silently for a few moments, dumbfounded.

"I kinda get the feeling that was supposed to be my line-ne," Chao finally said.

"I'll miss him, actually. He really knew how to chase cars around," Kotaro sighed.

**Killer Croc**

"Here. Here's your stinkin' magical circle," the crocodile-man growled between gritted teeth as he finished drawing on the ground.

Yuuna arched an eyebrow. "It really doesn't look like a circle."

"What do you think I'm, Picasso?" Croc roared, clearly not in the mood, sitting down to munch on some half-raw meat beside the campfire. "If you wanna kiss, fine. If not, like I care."

The basketball player shook her head and crossed her arms. "And they wonder why I've always hated messy men. He's so unlike you, Negi-kun. How did you meet anyway?" she asked while pulling him with her into the badly drawn circle, smiling seductively down at him.

"Well, I, um..." Negi blinked nervously as he half-dreaded what was about to happen. Maybe if he distracted her enough with his life story, she would forget about the Pactio. "It happened when I was a child, and my village was being attacked... A demon was about to jump on me..."

"And I tossed a rock on him! A damn big rock!" Croc reminisced between ferocious munchings.

"Oh...!" Yuuna chuckled, cupping Negi's face between her hands, making him to sweat. "So you do have a good heart after all, Crockie-kun..."

"Actually, I saw him first. I was wanderin' across that stupid cold countryside lost and hungry, and I wasn't goin' to let no stinkin' demon to get that snack before me, " he burped. "But yeah, you could say I got bland after that and let him to live when he started to cry. Not to mention his Old Man showed up and scared the crap outta me."

"Oh, " Yuuna's eyebrow twitched a bit, but she went ahead and kissed Negi anyway.

Much to her disappointment, however, the ensuing card was as horribly drawn and misshapen as the Pactio Circle had been.

The mangaka decided they would need an animal that actually could draw.

**Itchy and Scratchy**

Eva loved the detail of the mouse using the cat's blood to draw the circle every single time.

But everyone else in the regular cast protested they wouldn't work under those conditions, so that idea was scrapped as well.

**Courage**

Asuna had disliked the flea-ridden mutt since the first day he stepped into their lives. He was always nervous about everything, jumping and howling at the slightest sound. He was enough to make Misora to look fearless by comparison.

He also was always getting into trouble, seeming even more of a magnet for weirdness than Negi himself was. Asuna had grown to detest that creepy cat that took so much delight on torturing him around, and them by extension as well.

All in all, the dog was more problems than he was worth. She had literally cringed when Negi insisted on bringing him with them to Mundus Magicus.

After the forceful separation of the group and her kidnapping, the next time she ever saw him again was at the battle against Fate. After each one of her classmates was struck down, after Negi was struck down, after she was struck down, only the pitiful trembling thing was left standing. Fate, naturally, had paid him no attention and turned around to continue with the ritual.

Then the dog looked back at them. For a few moments he just stared at them as if begging for them to stand back, making tiny pleading sounds. Then he seemed to realize they were in no shape to fight back anymore.

And he made a strange sound. Makie would later swear he actually had said "The things I do for love!", but then again, it was Makie. Whatever the case was, much to Asuna's awe, the idiotic dog had jumped on Fate.

And somehow, in some way she never would be able to figure out despite watching every moment of it, he managed to put a beating on Fate. All the while never stopping to whine and whimper pathetically.

By that point, for some reason or another, Dynamis had managed to recover enough and had attempted to stop the dog, since the ritual was kinda getting screwed and all that to boot.

The dog managed to put him back as well.

Fate's Ministra must have had enough, since they were the next to pounce on him, although Koyomi seemed naturally terrified of him from the start. The dog still put them down, too. THAT had been an... interesting method to put Homura's flames out.

Then Fate stood back up. Looking finally angry, for once, and it was a truly terrifying thing to see.

In an even more bizarre succession of events, Courage beat him down a second time.

When it was all over, he stood on frail quivering legs, panting so much his tongue touched the shattered ground, battered and bruised all over.

Asuna barely could work back to her feet enough to wobble towards him, seeing him to shrink down under her glare.

She smiled at him, then gave him a mock knock on his head.

"Stupid dog. You made us to look bad."

Then she hugged him tighter than she had hugged anyone ever before.

**Shuma-Gorath**

He blamed the Marvel vs. Capcom fighting games.

True, they had rescued him from anonimacy, but looking back at it, maybe he should have stayed there. Now everyone thought of him as that octopus who fought Dan Hibiki. He, who once had been the Sorcerer Supreme's archfoe! He, who once was large enough to hold whole dimensions between his tentacles!

Now he had been reduced to drawing magical circles for a minor mage, all the while that vile redhead with bells in her hair hit him with a giant paper fan yelling something about 'Hentai!' or some such nonsense. The Japanese, he had learned it the hard way, were oddly sensitive about tentacle sporting fellows for some reason that escaped him.

And then there was that creepy black haired girl with glasses that kept on molesting him. Although he had started to take a liking to it lately. Not like he would ever admit it.

At least it paid the bills. And he always could vent his frustration out with what had become his mantra since setting tentacles at Mahora.

"Wastes of flesh!"

**A Puuchu**

The combined Cosmo Entelecheia stood frozen in front of the impossibly cute diaper-wearing creature.

"Puu-chu! Puu-chu! Puu-chuuu! Puu-chuuu! Chuuu!" it happily, oh so cutely sang as it danced and drew the Pactio circle on the ground, lifting its head to look up at Fate's confused Ministrae after it was done. "Puu-chuu? Puu-chuu?"

"What..." Homura's right eyebrow twitched, "What does... it... want?"

Shiori managed to snap out of her own daze enough to reply. She still couldn't get used to the mesmerizing effect of that much cuteness, either. Heck, most of Ala Alba STILL couldn't, either. As a matter of fact, Mana seemed to be the only person at the current scene immune, just choosing to grunt in a jaded way. Even Poyo and Fate himself had paused, as if shaken by a sudden inner conflict.

"It, um..." Shiori began, "It wants you to Pactio with him..." she pointed down at Negi.

Homura tensed up. "With him...? You must be—!" Then she melted when the Puuchu started dancing again. Damn it, how could she tell no to such a... supernaturally cute thing? No, no, it couldn't be. She slapped herself trying to keep control. She then turned her eyes towards her Master, hoping to find instructions on how to resist that hideous spell from him. She found everyone else in her team had just done the same thing.

For a moment, Fate simply stood perfectly still and silent. Then he monotoned, "You first, Koyomi. Then you, Tamaki. And then you, Shirabe. You will go afterwards, Homura. Then you and you, " he pointed at Poyo and the Chibi-Mage, "Then finally Dynamis and me."

"PUU-CHUU!" the horribly cute thing jumped up happily, chalk firmly in hand.

It was then when Negi turned around and ran away.

**Sonichu**

... You are joking, right?

**Hot Dog**

Regrettably, the lawyers of Archie Comics have prevented this entry from being added to the recompilation.

You know where you can send your protest letters

**Ren Hoek**

The emaciated Chihuahua slammed the door closed behind Haruna, Ayaka and Makie. "... Eediots."

Then he angrily turned to Chisame, pulling the chalk out of nowhere and balling his fists at his hips. "Well, get een place then, geerl. We don't have all day long. I'm as seeck of thees nonsense as you, eef not more, so don't make eet any harder, okay?"

Chisame seemed to be having second thoughts while looking down at the unconscious Negi. "But, um, shouldn't we wait for him to wake up first, at least? No, wait, that'd only make it harder. Or not. I mean, it's more uncomfortable if he's awake, but creepier if he's out cold, so—"

"Oh, for the love of—!" the ugly dog exploded, his eyes bulging out like crimson globes. "You're all seeck leettle monkeys anyway, so stop pretendeeng! Eef you're going to be a deesgusting pedo, at least do eet with pride! You make me feel eell! Just do eet before I throw you both through the weendow!"

"Don't talk at me like that!" she protested, kicking him against a wall before exhaling and inhaling to calm herself down. "Okay! Fine! I don't need being reminded of the seriousness of the situation, so cut the crap out and draw the stinking circle at once!"

Ren pulled himself out the wall and mumbled while putting hands to the work. "About freakin' time. There, eet's done. Now move your flacceed butt here and smooch heem a good wet one!"

"... Flaccid?" her eyebrows quivered, and she started feeling herself on the buttocks just in case, but the dog had had enough and just kicked her down towards Negi.

Just as the twerp was waking up.

"Chi... Chisame-san? W-What's go—OOOOMPHHH!" His eyes widened as she fell on him, pressing her lips against his.

Ren simply fumed as he picked the card up in midair. "I envy that eediot cat now. Wherever he ees, eet can't be worse than thees."

Elsewhere, far, far, far, far, far away, one Stimpson J. Cat was smiling, holding a litter box up before the fascinated eyes of his new best friend.

"— And that's why Gritty Kitty is the product of choice for any modern cat! Feel its fine smell! Its delightful texture!" He picked some sand from the box and blew it in the air all over Koyomi's face.

"Ahhh...!" she happily purred. "It's... It's true! I-I don't know how could I live for so long without it!"

Behind her, her comrades in arms just stared.

"I must... start holding higher standards for our newest recruits," Fate deadpanned.

**Shirley Mc Loon**

"Wh-What are you doing, Haruna?" Yue struggled in vain to break free from the much taller girl's grasp. "Let me go! Nodoka! H-Help me!"

But Nodoka didn't move at all, as Negi stood dumbfounded and his pet duck drew the contract circle in a few swift motions.

"Like, there's no need to panic at all, Yue! You're with friends here, and we all are willing to help you dealing with your inner trauma, your plaguing selfdoubts, your crippling insecurities! And, like, all that junk. So just relax. Breathe in and out, deep and slowly. Contact your core self and let her to speak to you..."

"She's telling me she wants to go away! And I agree with her!" Yue helplessly shouted.

"Now, now, Yue," Shirley lifted an index up. "Like, I know what's haunting the workings of your soul! You are so totally afraid of reaping bad karma by making your friend unhappy... But, in truth, Nodoka's as totally willing to support you as you are to support her! Like, don't allow your guilt trip to cloud your judgement! Feel the power of friensdhip and love flowing all through you! Omm! Omm! Before making the Contract, let's meditate to clear your mind and spirit!" She quickly fell into a sitting lotus position.

"I don't want to meditate!" Yue protested. "I... I just want to—to—"

"Please, Yue, " Nodoka softly begged, putting a hand on her shoulder. "What's the worst thing that can happen? It's only a brief meditation. If it doesn't work, or if you don't like what you find, you always can walk away. We won't pressure you into anything."

"But—" Yue began before Haruna forced her to fall into the same position Shirley was at.

"You heard her!" Paru cackled. "No pressures, so just do it, or else—!"

"That's a pressure you're doing right there!" Yue pointed out, but finally relented with a brief humph and a pout. She closed her eyes and placed her hands aside in a clumsy attempt at Yoga posturing. Nodoka was right, after all; she only would go through the motions, then get up and walk away.

"That's it," the duck nodded, closing her eyes as well. "Now let's join your minds into the never ending flow of the universal awareness. Om... Om... Can you feel it, Yue? Can you see the light leading to your inner balance?"

After several long minutes of total silence, Yue finally tensed up. "Yes. Yes! I can feel something."

"Like, I see it too," Shirley wisely nodded. "It's the very mondo spiritual highway to your repressed emotions! Follow it, Yue! Follow it! Face your true self! Like, break through your fears and fly free! Only then you'll be at peace with yourself!"

Yue moved her head up and down, very slowly. Then she stiffened, as if hit by an invisible force from her own insides. Nodoka, Haruna and Negi stood in awe as she stood up, as if possessed by a newfound determination, silent and with blank eyes. She walked over to the middle of the glowing Pactio circle, opened her mouth very slightly...

Then grabbed Negi by a hand, Nodoka by the other, and pulled them both towards herself, mashing their mouths against hers.

Haruna squealed, then fell in reverence before the duck, who now levitated in place like an ascended prophet. "I am not worthy! I am not worthy!"

"Like, I'm nothing but a humble follower of the New Age's truths," Shirley spoke, in a contented tone with a small but noticeable hint of smugness despite the meaning of her words. "You can reach a level like my own if you, like, meditate and concentrate enough, and stuff!"

Without missing a beat, she picked Yue's card in midair. But the kiss still didn't stop.

"A-hem..." Shirley cleared her throat. "Like, you can stop now..."

But they didn't.

Shirley's right eyebrow quivered a bit.

"Hello? It's so totally rude to ignore someone who's like trying to help you, you know?"

If anything, they seemed to be getting more into it now.

Haruna stared with curiosity as the duck's face soured a bit, then more and more.

And she grinned. She knew that feeling when she saw it etched into anyone's face, regardless of species.

Jealousy.

Haruna chuckled cagily.

Shirley gave her an annoyed look. "Like, what's oh so completely funny?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing!" she excused herself, stopping just short of breaking into total laughter.

The duck sighed in defeat. "I feel a sudden disturbance on, like, the Force or some junk."


	2. Chapter 2

And here we go again…

_Mahou Sensei Negima_ and all its characters belong to Akamatsu Ken, and the author of this fanfiction hasn't made any profits from it, nor will he ever do.

All other mentioned characters also belong to their respective copyright holders, and don't forget it.

No resemblance between the events, institutions and characters portrayed here and any real life people, situations or institutions, out of the legally allowed parody purposes, is intended.

This fanfic is part of the Negima 101 fanfiction pieces challenge at the TV Tropes Forums. Check it out of you can.

Thanks a lot to Shadow Crystal Mage, Ack Sed, Japanese Teeth and the rest of the gang for their inspiration and support.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING CHAMO-KUN: PART 2

_A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, long before Chamo became Negi's friend…_

**Jigglypuff**

When Fate finally woke up, he found himself chained inside of a large lonely cell, surrounded by dozens and dozens of anti-magic wards, and handcuffed with the most powerful magic canceling bracelets he ever had seen. He could tell he had been subjected to some major spellwork before that, as well; he felt mostly numb and dulled down.

Most humbling of it all, he could feel the hardened ink of the doodles all over his face. They hadn't bothered to wipe them off.

Still, never losing his temper or his calm, he started to silently plan. He had so much to do. To start all over again. He would need to correct some mistakes this time.

For starters, he would need earplugs.

**Nibbler**

As soon as they were alone with the unconscious Negi, Chisame sighed in resignation and looked down at the small critter.

"Well, I suppose there's no point on delaying this anymore. Just draw the damn circle already."

Nibbler just stared blankly at her.

"The circle. The Pactio circle. To make the Provisional Contract," she said.

Nibbler only blinked, then looked around for something.

Sighing, the girl grabbed a piece of chalk from a nearby table and tossed it at him. "Looking for this?"

With an eager sound, the little weirdo in diapers jumped up and ate the chalk whole.

"Hey, don't do that!" Chisame told him. "It's for drawing! You must draw the circle with that!"

He made a strange sound, tilting his head aside.

"Here," Chisame handed him a marker down. "Use this instead."

Nibbler craned his short neck up and chomped the black marker right off her fingers.

"No, you stupid thing! It's not for eating! It's for drawing! Geez, I guess I'll have to wake the brat up. He's the only one who can command you around..."

Nibbler had just turned his back on her to begin munching on the carpet.

Then Haruna stormed back into the room, looking alarmed and shocked, closely followed by Chachamaru and Kazumi. A very confused Ayaka and Makie trailed right behind.

"Chiu-chan!" Paru gasped. "Oh God, you're okay...!"

"What?" Chisame had a bad feeling. "Why in the world are you here? Especially you, Chachamaru?"

"Chisame-san, it's... it's about Chao-san," the gynoid started. "She has— She has been—"

Then Nibbler burped, coughed, and loudly puked a white hair bun with some black strands still attached to it.

Horrified, Chisame backpedalled with the other girls.

**Vanity Smurf**

Asuna tapped with her foot on the ground. "Just get on with it already!"

"Just a smurf, please. I am not smurfing ready yet," the tiny blue man whined while continuing to pamper his face up, looking at it from several angles on the mirror he carried in his other hand.

"Vanity-kun, please..." Negi complained, his arms hanging down in a distressed posture. "We're kinda short in time..."

"I can't do this smurf if I'm unsmurf for it!" the blue thingy shook his head. "Why must you two be so uncaring about my smurfings? Can't you see the beauty of the circle depends on my own beauty? If I can't do it while looking nothing short of perfect, then the whole thing is smurfed!"

He kept on fixing his face as best as he could. Asuna kept on waiting for a few minutes more, but by the time he pulled the makeup kit out, she had enough. "Ehhhhh! How long are you going to take with that?"

"... I just want to define my eyes a bit more smurfingly, " Vanity defended himself.

"Just do it at once or you'll have two very well defined BLACK eyes!" the girl threatened.

Vanity sobbed. "You smurfette! Do you think it's easy, to keep my smurfs about myself with all of you smurfing around the place? All of you taller, curvier, rubbing your smurfness on my face... My poor self respect is smurfed! The current canons of beauty are all smurfed out! Why, in my days, when a Smurf wanted to Sm—"

Asuna just stepped on him, then grinded her foot down. Hard.

She tilted her head aside and yelled, "We need another Smurf!"

They tossed them another blue diminutive man from backstage.

This one grinned at them while holding a box with a large red bow on it up.

"Hee hee heeee!" he giggled madly. "Hello, my smurfs! I can say it's going to be a smurf to smurf with you!"

"Was that a come on?" Asuna doubted.

"Never smurf!" the Smurf said, offering them the gift. "Are you up for a little surprise to smurf the beginning of our partnership?"

Negi smiled while crouching down to accept the gift. "Thank you! You're very kind!" Then, despite Asuna's visible reservations, he opened it up...

Luckily for him, his cute Shotaro face was covered by quite an extensive insurance.

**The Liquidator**

"Thirsty for the wonders of a world beyond the paltry limits of your everyday reality?"

"I am!" Haruna jumped up.

"Yearning for the forbidden appeal of a secret romance only seen in the likes of trashy prose novels?"

"Y-Y-Y-Yes!" Nodoka nodded with a full body blush.

"Willing to invest for the future with a developing young promise guaranteed to grow up into the man of your life?"

"Oh, hell yes!" Misa put her hands together.

"Deeply, secretly attracted by the black allure of a taboo passionate relationship with the relative you grew up in awe of his many manly prowesses?"

"... You're a damn good salesman," Chao had to admit, her eyebrows quivering around and her legs discreetly rubbing against each other.

"Itching for a good rumble both at the battlefield and under the covers?"

"Of course-aru!" Ku Fei pumped her arms up.

The large dog made of water laughed. "Then look no further! Because I, the always amazing Li-qui-dator, have come to quench your need for an oasis in the middle of a desert devoid of any male companionship! Yes, behold, as I give you our newest sensation, in all his refreshing flavors! THE NEGI!" He grandly gestured towards the shyly shrinking boy on the seat next to him. "And he can be all yours only for the meager price of a Provisional Contract! But of course, true connoisseurs will go for the improved taste of the slightly pricier Permanent Contract! Our operators are standing by! "

Ayaka jumped up and down. "I'll give you a blank check! Fill it with any cipher you can think of!"

Takane sneered while watching from the sidelines. "A true pyramid scheme in the process, don't you think, Mei-chan?"

"... I just bought us two tickets," Mei muttered in embarrassment.

Takane only grunted. "Just remember your Sempai always goes first."

**A Tribble**

When it all was over, Ala Alba stood all panting and covered in blood over a landscape full of dead little furry critters. The whole of Mahora was literally blanketed by them, up until the lowest branches of the World Tree.

Asuna put her sword down, wheezing heavily, then shot Negi an icy glare. "I told you not to bring it to Satsuki's place..."

He lowered his head in shame. "Sorry."

**Grimlock**

"Me Grimlock! Me Aniki's sidekick, and leader of Dinobots!" the towering robot dinosaur introduced himself to the girls not in the know yet. "Me make Pactio circle so you kiss Aniki! Then, power!"

Class 2-A stood dumbfounded for a few moments.

Okay, a lot of moments.

"Fine," Zazie finally said.

"Whatever you're going to do, do it quick!" Kazumi pointed at the incoming demon horde. "They are about to break through the barrier!"

Yes, this scene takes place in the final battle of the first Negima anime series. No, I don't particularly care.

Anyway, Grimlock now was holding a tiny piece of chalk in a gigantic (yet diminutive compared to the rest of his body) dinosaur hand.

"Me do circle now! Girls pucker up! Aniki too! Grimlock done in a second!"

Then he leaned forward only to find his tiny T-rex-like limbs couldn't reach the ground.

Undaunted, he just tossed himself down to reach the floor, causing a small earthquake and snapping the chalk by half.

"Me fail! Me broke chalk! Now we can do no Pactio!"

"Ummm..." Nodoka shyly offered him a hand. "... Need help getting up?"

After she lifted him up, Grimlock turned around and began stomping towards the demons.

"You wait here. Grimlock have things to do."

A brief symphony of horrible screams and deafening sounds of violence, not to mention a few scenes that traumatized Fumika for life, later, Grimlock returned to the group fully bathed on demon blood.

"Grimlock do good! Optimus be proud!" he enthused.

"... Can we go home now?" Yuuna pleaded.

**Hiraga Saito**

"You must be joking," Asuna's voice came out in a throaty growl as she looked at the boy before them.

"I... don't think so, Asuna-san," Next to her, Negi was looking at the boy with a more even mixture of disbelief and sympathy. "I can feel he's being dead serious..."

"I am!" the older boy passionately claimed. "Please, I beg you, just give me a chance! I have lots of experience dealing with magic and helping mages! I'll do anything you want! I only want something to give a new meaning to my life! Since I lost Louise, I've wandered around lost and broken!"

"Yeah, well, sorry, but we only take animals for this kind of job," Asuna dryly insisted.

"But I'm a dog! Louise said it all the time!" Saito fell down to his hands and knees and starting crawling all across the floor. "See? I'm a dirty idiotic but loyal dog! Woof! Woof!"

"My God, you're pathetic!" the girl slammed the palm of her right hand on her face.

"Yeah. That's what Louise used to say, too..." the young man lowered his head sadly.

"Listen, it's just wrong. We can't do it," she said. "It's bad enough we have to share our room with a boy; adding another one, and this one well past puberty, is just—"

"Oh, you don't need to fear!" he quickly replied. "Louise kicked my crotch so many times I've been declared officially—"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Negi and Asuna chorused.

"Sorry..." he sighed. "But you won't regret having me around! I'll clean your apartment! Wash your panties! Kill your local dragons! Please! I don't have... anywhere else to go...!"

He started to cry several streams of Pure Manly Tears.

Negi blinked several times, then turned a pleading glare up towards Asuna.

His roommate grumbled while massaging her temples. "I know I'm going to regret this...!"

However, much to her surprise, she had been wrong about it. Saito had proved to be a rather decent asset to their lives. He was polite and humble, as well as useful in fights, and despite having a worrying tendency to accidentally stumble into the breasts of Chizuru, Kaede, Mana and Kazumi, he didn't feel like a load. True, the fact he had started to caught the attention of a few of the students had introduced Negi to the strange and mysterious world of jealousy, a world he never even knew existed before, but all in all, Asuna felt rather happy of counting him as her friend.

However, Saito still wasn't happy.

One night, he told them, "I want to leave."

Asuna was shocked. "You'll leave us? But why? Don't you like being here? Have we treated you badly? I thought we were getting along very well!"

"It isn't that..." Saito sulked with embarrassment. "You two and Konoka-san have been excellent with me. You're the best friends I ever had. It's just... I lack something. You are so good with me... It's exactly that what stresses me! I miss life with Louise! I miss being put down, insulted and oppressed! I can't get that here! Even Evangeline-sama will only sneer at me! I need to look for my own path in life. One where I can, hopefully, duplicate the happiness of those days. Sorry."

"Ahhh...?" Asuna's eyes had become tiny points.

Negi, however, smirked, his hair falling over his forehead obscuring his face. He chuckled in a rather unsettling fashion before saying,

"I see... So, Saito-kun... If I give you a clue of where to find such a life, would you go there and leave Mahora...?"

"Of course I'd do it!" the taller boy perked up. "Sensei! Would you do that for me?"

"Yes" Negi nodded. "Yes, for you, I would..."

_One month later, at London_.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" Anya Cocolova was rubbing her wet red hair with a towel, stepping out of the shower wearing only a pink bathrobe and bunny slippers. "Sheesh, this better be good! These aren't hours to visit!"

She pulled the front door open, scowling at the visitor. "Yes? Who are you?"

The black haired boy wearing jeans and a blue and white sweater smiled at her. "Hello! My name is Saito. I'd like to know you better."

Then he accidentally stumbled ahead and fell on top of her.

**Motsu and Shichimi**

"I'm sorry," Akamatsu-sensei shook his head sparsely.

"What do you mean with 'I'm sorry'?" the frog-like thing asked.

"I don't mean to offend, but I don't believe you are what we are looking for in our franchise's pet, " the mangaka politely said. "I'm sure you two have talent, but I don't think it leans in the direction we are aiming for. My apologies. If you want, I can arrange an appointment with Kumeta-sensei for you."

"SHOCK!" Motsu screamed in exaggerated Engrish. "We've been insulted! You'll hear from our lawyers! You have just discriminated us! You said our talent wasn't good enough for you!"

"Let it go, mya!" the cute fluffy kitty thingy next to him waved its tail around. "I'm sure he has his reasons, mya..."

Motsu shook a scrawny fist around. "This won't end here, Akamatsu Ken! In the end, we'll star in this show, one way or another! You haven't heard the last of us! Someday, we'll steal the spotlight away from whoever you choose for this paltry job, and then we'll see who has the last laugh! In a good way!"

Assistant Amagasaki Chigusa cringed as the sound of the door being slammed shook the whole room, then turned her head towards Akamatsu. "Do you think he has the connections to make good on that threat?"

He laughed it off. "Don't be silly. Who would ever think putting them in a show could be a good idea?"

**Hobbes**

"And then Hobbes will finish drawing the Pactio circle, we'll kiss in the, um, mouth, and you'll be granted fantastic magical powers," Negi uneasily said. "I know it's, ahhh, very awkward, but I'm afraid it's the only way we have to beat Evangeline-san..."

Asuna fixed a stunned glare on him, then looked at the still, completely silent stuffed tiger sitting at his right.

She slapped Negi and turned around, stomping away while huffing angrily.

Negi whimpered in pain and looked aside at Hobbes. "Why won't you ever talk to them...?"

The tiger shrugged his shoulders. "For some reason I always get stage fright at the last moment. Why don't we try with Nodoka again? Maybe she won't faint this time."


	3. Chapter 3: Chamo Kinda Strikes Back

_Mahou Sensei Negima_ and all its characters belong to Akamatsu Ken, and the author of this fanfiction hasn't made any profits from it, nor will he ever do.

All other mentioned characters also belong to their respective copyright holders, and don't forget it.

No resemblance between the events, institutions and characters portrayed here and any real life people, situations or institutions, out of the legally allowed parody purposes, is intended.

This fanfic is part of the Negima 101 fanfiction pieces challenge at the TV Tropes Forums. Check it out of you can!

Thanks a lot to Shadow Crystal Mage, Darkenning, Sereg, Japanese Teeth and the rest of the gang for their inspiration and support.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING CHAMO-KUN: PART 3

_No Familiars have been Killed or Injured during the creation of this Fanfic…_

**Horo**

"I'm Horo, Negi's childhood friend and helper!"

"Wh-Why aren't you wearing any clothes?-!" Asuna yelped.

No wonder why the brat never felt as awkward around female nudity as Asuna had believed he should be...

**Fluttershy**

"Please don't be so harsh to act, Mister Fate," the pony shyly asked, "and at least listen to what Master Negi has to suggest, will you...?"

Fate casted icy eyes on her. "What? Why, may I ask, should I waste my—"

Then she gave him that stare.

"— my time listening... to that—"

She continued staring, not making any sound.

"—I mean, he couldn't possibly have anything of any value... to offer... in this—"

Stare.

Fate sighed and turned to Negi. "Very well, what sort of inanity do you want to propose?"

"I can't remember!" Negi grabbed his own head. "That stare always affects me so much, even if it isn't directed at me!"

**ED-209**

Asuna looked dubiously at the towering metallic abomination.

"So... it will draw a circle," she said.

"Yes!" Negi nodded nervously, with his eyes very open.

"Brat, it doesn't have freakin' hands," the schoolgirl reminded him. "HOW CAN THAT STUPID THING DRAW A CIRCLE ON THE GROUND?-!"

The machine zoomed its massive guns down, then shot down several times all around Negi and Asuna's feet, making the girl to yipe in terror. A few moments of thundering bangs later, they were surrounded by a glowing circular figure made of cracked bullet holes on the ground.

Negi smiled. "See? 209's actually very efficient, as long as stairs aren't involved in any way!"

Asuna blushed bright red, pressing her hands down on her crotch. "Tell your efficient robot buddy to efficiently bring me a spare pair of panties. RIGHT NOW!"

**Oolong**

"Setchan? Um, not that I mind, but you're being awfully affectionate today..."

"Sorry to be so hasty, Kono, I mean, Ojou-sama, but I only have five minutes to do this. I'll explain my reasons tonight..."

A second Setsuna appeared right behind the Setsuna currently on top of Konoka, firmly holding Yuunagi against her throat. "You **bastard**...!"

...

Negi laid back on his futon, with his arms crossed behind his neck. "I wonder what's taking Oolong so long..."

Asuna shrugged from where she sat struggling with her homework. "Dunno. But somehow, something keeps telling me a few things about Setsuna enjoying a bacon dinner, or something like that..."

**A Xenomorph**

Asuna's last thoughts as the thing bursted out of her was they really shouldn't have allowed Negi's pet to sleep at their room.

**Boogie-kun**

"But Master!" the doll still implored. "He's the love of my life! I can feel it! We share the same tastes in fine knives! And mercilessly mocking others! And then slicing them open! He's the only one who UNDERSTANDS! You can't take him away!"

"Sorry, Chachazero," the undead mage dryly said. "They said they had no room for two murderous creepy dolls in the same storyline, and that's it. Unless YOU want to go instead of him..."

Chachazero paused, open mouthed, before slowly tilting her head towards the male doll now in Anju's arms. "Sorry, lover. I'm not quitting this paycheck."

"You bitch," Boogie told her. "That's why I love you. Goodbye. I'll see you in Hell."

Chachazero sniffed. "Don't say that! You'll just make this even harder!"

Negi, Konoka, Setsuna, Chachamaru and Nodoka waved their goodbyes as Evangeline sneered dismissively at the slowly distacing Anju. "Inferior vampires..."

Chachazero had started to bawl, drying her theoretically impossible tears with the blood stained handkerchief he had left her. Meanwhile, Asuna just stood next to her, both her hands covered with bloody bandages.

"At least my fingers will be safe now."

**Collet Farandole**

Asuna pointed a finger at her, incredulously. "And you... are the _little animal friend_ Negi told me about...?"

The girl wagged her tail and nodded.

"Okay, I understand you have a tail, and animal ears, and a light layer of fur of sorts... but that isn't enough to make you count as a pet. Konoka will ask things, and so, you can't stay here."

"Oh, don't worry! Actually, I'll be staying over at Yue-sama's..." she pointed at the doorstep, where Yue stood with a dog collar, a bowl with the name 'Collet' written on it, and some racy lingerie in her hands.

"I'll take real good care of her," Ayase promised flatly.

**Buttons**

Negi walked up to his old Familiar and pet, patting his head fondly. Behind him, his thirty one sexy loving wives waited.

"Buttons," he said, "Tonight, we'll be assisting a royal gala at Mother's palace, so please look after Nanami, Kyosuke, Nina, Arika-chan, the other Arika-chan, Multi, Rosette, Alex, Amaterasu, Rally, and all the others while we're out, okay? And don't let them to walk out of the house, get in troubles, or pick fights with Fate's children again, will you?"

Buttons yelped, jerked his head back to the bunch of children noisily playing around with wands and staffs, and then turned his widened eyes at the audience.

And he finally spoke, in a very Frank Welker-ish voice.

"You must be kidding me!"

**The Pink Panther**

For some reason, after Negi's familiar showed up, no one could speak ever again in the series.

Zazie never noticed a difference.

Satomi learned to cope by getting herself cartels and taking classes on speed writing in the Saotome Genma school. Even so, her info-dumps were never the same again.

Asuna and Ayaka had to resort to violent and rude hand gesturing for their fights.

Dynamis was left a broken shell of a man long before ever meeting Negi face to face.

**Tippy Toe and Monkey Joe**

"— and that's the story of how those two brave squirrels defeated Cosmo Entelecheia and the Lifemaker. All by themselves. With two paws tied behind their backs."

"Come on, Gramps, surely you are just bullshi—"

A squirrel jumped out of nowhere and dropkicked the insolent child in the head.

**Puss in Boots**

The combined forces of Cosmo Entelecheia gasped in impotence at the devastating sight deployed before them.

"NOOOO!" Dynamis dropped down to his knees, grabbing his head with both hands. "My only true weakness! Curse you! how could you know...!"

"It's... so simply adorable..." Homura's face winced time and time again.

"What... What are these conflicting emotions suddenly bubbling inside my chest?" Fate nervously wondered. "I must go on, and yet... I cannot walk past those pleading eyes..."

Quartum groaned in annoyance. "Buncha wimps. I'll do it." He cracked his knuckles and gave a first step ahead... right before Sextum punched him through three hills.

Koyomi panted, already tugging down on her clothes. "I'm so sorry, Fate-sama, but—!"

Chachamaru jealously grabbed Puss from behind, pulling him protectively against herself. **"MINE!"** she hissed.

**Lobo's Frag Penguin Squad**

That whole half of Mars was a scorched mess by the time they were done.

"YEAH! THAT'LL TEACH THEM BASTITCHES WHO'S BOSS, WON'T IT, BRO?" one of the heavily armed fowls howled, scratching his crotch with a flipper while holding a hideously huge hand cannon in the other.

"HELL YEAH! NO ONE MESSES WITH THE MAIN BOY AND HIS PALS!" another penguin guffawed, taking a deep smoke from his cigar before slapping Nodoka in the butt. "NOW BRING ME A BEER TO CELEBRATE, SKIRT!"

Nodoka sighed very deep and sadly, then began to stomp a foot down on the penguin's head, over and over.

"I LOVE WHEN YA GET FEISTY, BABE!"

"Yeah! It's party time, dood!" another penguin skipped around happily.

One of the largest frag penguins sighed and shot him through the chest. "WHY DO THESE WANNABES KEEP SHOWIN' UP?"

Chisame shot Negi a jaded glare. "I told you we should have left them with the crazy space biker."

Negi turned around to sulk. "I wanted the dolphins instead, but he wouldn't part with them..."

**Extra: The Importance of Being Kyuubey-kun**

"And to become Magical Girls... you will need..." the ermine grinned, holding a piece of chalk up, "... KISSING EACH OTHER!-!-!"

"... Ah?" was all Sayaka could muster.

Mami blinked very slowly. "Well, I... suppose it can be done..."

Homura briefly looked at the vaguely tempted Madoka, her small mouth half open in silent pondering. That made her smile a little.

She already liked that little thing better than Kyuubey.


End file.
